Rigmarole

Rigmarole

…continued from previous post…

The other digs were my weight and apparent lack of hobbies.

So just under a week since the no contact was initiated upon and Ive already got some mojo back. I know its early days yet…

The idea of having sex with someone again is terrifying. When you give yourself to someone so fully, so intimately, you expose your soul to them. You connect in spiritual union. And right now my soul is recovering, it is blossoming, it is unfurling from its tight cage.

It makes me upset to think that Im afraid. Id love to rush head first into something.. and its contradictory because I do very much want to rush head first into something but at the same time its scary.

I feel like a virgin again.

Afraid but excited.

What will Sex feel like, you know, not for the first time but for the real time.

With a genuine person. Someone who wasnt mirroring my reactions, or manipulating me into living out his fantasies. I never faked orgasm, he at least knew how to do that. But thats because he used intimacy as currency… manipulating the markets, raising and then burning the stocks. Leaving me high and dry.

Cold and empty.

Desperate and humiliated.

Feeling like i was some sort of rabid ugly creature when I tried to initiate it. So i very quickly stopped having the confidence to do that.

Telling me I was at my most undesirable when I was greedy for affection or for sex.

Because Affection did not come with sex.

Nor did love.

HE used me.

He self admitted when hurling insults at me.

I let him. He was only sick of me because of how disgustingly doormatted I was.

He convinced me that it was a good idea for him to sleep with other women. And he did. I have no idea how frequently… He would send me screenshots of conversations from where he’d been on dating sites.

It was all ego feed.

I was desperately lonely… did things i shouldnt have done, flirts, regrets… I figured a relationship once opened up was opened up both ways.

I knew I didnt want it. I knew that the reality of my life was the sham compared to the expectations and boundaries of what was ok.

I knew my heart was broken by him then.

I should have broken up with him when he left me to go to Thailand.

My housemate L tried to tell me.

My friend K tried to tell me.

That polish couple tried to tell me.

My work friends tried to tell me.

Anyway.

I don’t want this to be a post of pity.

I just want the grieving to be over, I want to be happy again.

I want him to have caused me as little damage as posible, I dont want to have to heal.

Im so angry and upset by what hes done to me.

He made me stronger, wiser, a better soul. He took my soul to the next level of personal development. I have always said to myself that Ive wanted to dedicate my life, everything I have learnt from the abuse I have suffered into becoming the best person for my future children and to help others.

To be the best I can be.

And Im fully onboard that this process is doing that.

One step closer I guess,

aNd if not one step closer, than at least I went through my life living to the principals i chose.

Heres to love.

Fickle

Strange

HArmful

Bliss

Ecstatic

The stuff of creation

the stuff of spririt

and one day something I can be a part of with somebody.

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