I dont often pray, not like this anyway.
I have prayed to be saved, to be rescued from the atrocities I have lived through, or to be given the strength to get through them myself.
I have prayed for friends, for money, for a job, for a boyfriend.
Literally I remember being 15 I think? On my way home from school, on one of the rare occasions I was allowed to walk home by myself.
I was humming the song Que Sera Sera to myself and I changed the lyrics and sung them as a prayer.. I prayed for a boyfriend. Not just a boyfriend, but the boyfriend.
The one that I could share myself with, open up to on a deep level, a man I could respect and admire as a worthy mystical caretaker. A protective wizard type that I could look up to, for he was strong and ferocious but gentle and appreciative of my complex fragility.
And I find myself over 10 years later (slightly depressing haha) asking God for the same thing.
Please help me to be opened up, to be embraced and to be bought into bloom by a worthy hero. I need to feel his presence and his superior skills zoned in on me. Looking at me, feeling me, and appreciating me.
Too long I have punished myseld for my regrets, I sentenced myself to three months of hard labour and solitary confinment for my sins. The sins of staying with someone unworthy. Allowing myself to be opened up by less than deserving souls.
I cleansed myself, and I endured, I forgot what it was to be close to someone, denied my needs, my happiness and my future.
Because I was scared. Because I wasnt ready.
But I am now.
And I humbly beeseech you to kill the dragon, free me from the castle, and open me up to your glory.. Kind, noble man. I know you. I see you. I saw you from that first moment.
You saw me too.
The rest will be history.