Being Alive! No. Being a Nun!

Being Alive! No. Being a Nun!

For any of those musical fans out there… by which I mean me as I’m the only person reading this because my body would explode if I dare show this to anybody else..

Being Alive is a song from a musical… oh which one… hang on let me check the hive brain known as Google.. COMPANY!

How I knew that song I’ll never know because I don’t know Company. Which is actually a pun for what I want to talk about here tonight -excellent transition lady I hear you cry!

I am talking to myself, and it’s actually pretty fun.

Better than talking to anybody else right now.

Everybody has their problems and sometimes its exhausting battling it out there, taking everybody’s shit, being moaned at when I give my own back to them just a drop.

I also give up with other people, nobody seems to fit that perfect person I’m looking for.. And it’s so fitting that I’d prefer to be alone then be around someone who doesn’t fit as I’ve seen this before in a hundred thousand explanations of INFJ’s on psych sites.

I’ll find one hang on –

I can’t be bothered to cut and zoom this appropriately…

My point is… As I hit the 6 month mark of being single, I find myself completely subjected to my own form of self Stockholm syndrome.. I don’t want to see or be around people, people make me awkward, people don’t understand me, people have their own agendas, people don’t want to be there for me, people are too afraid to step up and show me their hearts, and I can’t be fucked personally. I just want to be by myself.

I’m done.

good bye everyone… don’t let the door hit you on your way out as I slam it in your face.

sometimes people reach somewhere close to the levels I expect from them, and I think… is that a thing, are they doing what I think they’re doing… but it’s always a fleeting moment and then I’m greeted by more inadequacy and more repression of their trueness.

so I say to you today, metaphorically, as again I’m still talking to myself and not actually at a podium on a raised platform in front of all the people I know in my life.

EITHER GET WITH IT AND GIVE ME 100% or GTFO.

I don’t want no in between, halfway house relationships, semi-committed people in my life.

step up or step off (the cliff from where I have pushed you to the edge of so you can make your choice as I make mine).

Until then I shall enjoy being the nun I am.

Reclused

You know some nuns live in silent orders.. so if they can go without words I’m sure I can go without relationships…

I like how they live their lives in utmost perfection, and purity. They choose to ignore their deepest urges, biological influences, and love itself. For the ambition of being perfect in their principles. Without any sort of closeness to anyone in half a year I sort of find myself valuing the same thing.

I don’t want to feel someone’s touch on mine. I don’t want nerves of that first embrace, the first kiss. I don’t want that feeling of feeling so close to someone you feel giddy. Or jubilated with laughter at something they’ve said..

I think they’re beautiful things, but I feel like they are lost to me. I had my life’s worth already… I’ve had my life’s worth of drinking, drugging, cavorting myself round clubs, flirting, dancing, singing, striving for the good job, the man I love, the sunrises, the sunsets, the friends, the promise of marriage, the hope for children, and a home and a life.

I’m just an incel now.

And I don’t even feel sad about it.. If the right man comes along he’ll rescue me, he’ll spark passion back into my lifeless limbs.. he’ll be honest and principled and GO GETTING! He won’t cower in the corner not telling me how they feel.. he’ll be honest and upfront, and he’ll swoon me away.

It’s funny and this sounds like feminist bullshit but once the princess escaped from the tower she was imprisoned in… she realised people are shitty, even the ones who seem good.. and she realised that she’s happier alone in her castle knitting, reading, singing, and dreaming in her many many worlds..

like the one she left behind for a chance in this world.. and now she wonders what it was all really for.

27 and I’ve never felt so darkened and disillusioned with myself and my life. Sure I’m happy. But nothing will stop me being happy.

Happiness isn’t relevant to life it seems.

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