I went to sleep Friday night, I broke my “keto” after buying pee sticks testing myself and finding out I wasnt in keto.
I have had the week from hell, no sleep, feeling exhausted, a long period etc. Hard work and complaints after complaints piling in at work. Oh and as a cherry on top an argument with my boss. Oh and finding out Ive been underpaying tax so as a rsult have been paying £700 in totum last/this year to make up for it! WTF!
So I had half a shot of vodka with a diet coke. And I ate a curry (no rice but some bread).
Hardly living life on the edge but as hard as I can face right now in my puritannical spiral to try and deter the eventual suicide at 30 when I’m still single and childless.
I remember looking up at my aunt so shamefully that she hit 30 with no children.. but then I think at least she and her boyfriend of 10 years at the time owned a house together. I live in one room alone.
I spend the majority of my days either trying to kid myself that I am happy single, that I’m doing great and that my life just doesn’t look how I want it to be but that isn’t a reason to jump off a bridge.
And then I spend the remaining time dreaming, imagining, manifesting and praying (yes I pray regularly) for my destiny to unfold and for the breakup to have a meaning. Please let it be that life was meant to be this way so that I can be with the person of my fate and that our lives were meant to unfold each other in this way.
He stole me away.
Please don’t let it be for nothing. He took my breath away that first moment I saw him.. Not just physically, although his slender, pale, ethereal elf like appearance is heart stoppingly beautiful..
But I saw his soul. (As INFJ’s do) and I instantly knew… he had the depths to swim in my heart, and I him.
I really hope he never reads this, although I think I’m being stupid for thinking that. I have a 50% chance of outcome surely..
He either a likes me too, but won’t or hasn’t said anything yet..
he sees me as a friend and I’ll horrifyingly embarrass myself if I say something.
Last night he called me a friend for the first time, I’ve noticed the delicate dance that has gone on and so far neither of us has referred to the other in that way. But last night the deed was done. And a flurry of FUCK PANIC was installed into my hard drive since.
IF this is what men feel like to be friendzoned by god it is painful. And I am so sorry for any men I have friendzoned in the past.
I don’t know if it’s worse to be a female incel or a male incel, surely female as we are built for purposes this way…
an unloved woman is like a leaf that doesnt get any sunlight.
We shrivel and fall in ourselves, dying slowly and excrutiatingly from starvation of the soul.
So Saturday morning I awoke after a lucid dream (I get them involuntarily wierdly enough) where Chuck and I were on our first date. And I woke up and had a anxiety attack. Haven’t had one in a long time. and I couldn’t get out of bed until the afternoon and my fingers are starting to shake as I type it again now. I eventually showered and went to the garage to fill up air in my tyres (a good distraction) and then I bought food (gnocchi and garlic bread) and comfort ate myself into oblivion.
I haven’t felt so much regret and pain in a long time. It bitch slapped me like a hard dose of reality. For the first time I felt so stark afraid of where my life is right now that I contemplated driving to Chuck’s house.
We used to have so much fun together and now I’m stuck in a vice grip of inceldom and confusion as to if G likes me that it suffocated me into thinking stupid thoughts.
of course Alex’s and I’s relationship if you can call it that, was awful, we drunk and and drugged our way through most of it when we even did meet up. but having a lucid dream that someone is in bed with you or stroking your hair, or your falling asleep in his arms, or that your floating in the ether together high on weed.. all those beautiful memories will do a number on your self esteem and your sanity.
I’m still crying as I write this now.
I’ve been trying to cope with the fall out of the dream (i.e getting back to normal, recovering from the anxiety and rescuing my weekend and my brain..
I’ve also been trying to think logically about why it happened.
Feb 6th is no special event.. I looked back through old photos to think of something we did on that day (P.s don’t do that if you’re in the same position, it makes things worse).
Then I thought is it because yesterday was the first day of real sunlight this year.. and as the winter sheds its skin and the spring forces its shoots out to the surface maybe I am suffering as I am reminded of the sun and all the glorious days we spent in it together.
HE was Apollo in many ways, I mean yes he as Dionysus too.. but I always remember how we chased the sun.. all those glorious days out, camps, drinking in the pub in the sun.. and I think it triggered it. I’m sure the lockdown imprisonment as it reaches its 12 month mark has also had its toll.
I also think that as spring descends rapidly, it means that winter must harshly throw the last of its remnants to the surface. and as this has been the winter of my life, bare stark, no love.
apart from the kindling embers of a love that may be made up in my mind or may be real…
All I know is that I cant live in purgatory anymore, I have burnt off my sins. I have rediscovered myself in the process and I have been absolved of any lacking in self love or damage that the Narc did. I am my own person now, healed over and I must get back into the battle.
I will ask him. I will ask G. I have to.. and if it ruins what we have, I will be devastated..
but sometimes we must march on into the battle, knowing that we will likely die but recognising that for the sake of truth it is more important than our little lives, our egos.
The truth will prevail.