Yes Im going to do a post about valentines day.
Im a girl for fucks sake, get over it. Yes I am a romantic. Yes I do celebrate fucking valentines day. Dont like it… thats your miserable problem 😀
ITs the dreamy sweeping romanticism I expect high levels of in my otherwise disappointingly dry life that sometimes make me wonder if I am a INFP. And then I realise nope.
I was just raised on dreams. Worked hard for dreams. Had my drems shattered time and time again so much that my glass slipper is now looking like a military grade steel toe cap boot.
Anyway I digress.
My valentines day.
The first one since I was 16 that I have been single no really!
Not that it really matters.. I’ve never had a good valentines day.. I’ve argued with 2 boyfriends on Valentines day, I’ve never had roses. Not that I care about roses…
I woke up after a very long late phone call with G. It was nice, I kinda hoped that we’d still be able to meet up but I guess I knew it wasn’t going to happen..
But he has some important things to do with his portfolio building and I am old enough and have been in enough relationships to know that men need time and space to do their thing when they say.
He has an admirable plan, and after the trio of bad boyfriends who dont try hard with their dreams its refreshing to see a man strive for something,
Adam – Gave up on his property empire, although his emascuating mother was probably to blame. I wasnt supportive at that time either being unknowledgable about men and being clingey and reactive myself. Looking back i blame myself for our decline.
David – Got hit by a car. and yes that makes me sound terrible but I did Nurse him for 18 months the length of our relationship, and so it ruined the dynamic of us and he entered a state of not trying. He’d just game and not try to get better even when he had recovered. Looking at this one I blame him for this one, as there were a lot of other misdemeaning hard passes at this one. For the man I had killed myself with effort to nurse full time whilst working full time he did nothing to help me and actively refused when i needed it.. but anyway I digress again..
Chuck/Alex – He turned from someone working on a successful business to a alcoholic, drug abuser with debts being paid off by parents and no hope of being able to ever achieve his goals. He had catastrophically failed, and slid from grace faster than Lucifer fell from heaven.
But yes where was I before I got distracted..
He sounds so close to achieving his dream, and I’m so happy for him. I really hope it pays off for him. If there’s anyone who deserves to be happy, its the sweetness of his honest, hard labouring, truth seeking, justful (giggles because that’s very similar to something) self.
So V DAY and no action….
Just another high expectation, low reality V Day lol
SO what did I do with my day…
I got up, watched shit tv, and waited for the man to arrive who was buying my old phone from me.
He was being overly flirty when trying to agree on a price but I shirked it off – no sucker is gunna fool me to get a cheaper price.
Then he arrived – He made it incredibly awkward… I was wearing house clothes, leggings and a crappy top on purpose because I didnt want to make an effort. I had brushed my hair dont get me wrong but I was going for the lazy sunday look.
SO WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED NEXT WAS UNPROVOKED
He took the phone, checked it over, gave me the 7 counted shiny bank notes and as I was preparing my goodbye and going to shut the door..
HE ASKED TO COME IN! And you know…
I was speechless!
The best thing I could do was blush and say “oh, well theres 3 other people here so I cant”..
HE WANTED SEX
I had no idea what to do or say or how to react.
G called me out yesterday saying Id make a bad mormon but HOLY HELL he has no idea that Im actually incredibly shy..
Maybe Ive changed…
Maybe back before I was 25, and if I were single Id have invited him in and gone for it.. He was good looking, and definitely had charm.
But NOWADAYS my mojo is beaten up dripping blood in the gutter, its died along with my confidence.
He didnt look phased, he just smiled cheekily and said text me later… WHICH I DID NOT.
I shut the door, locked it, and sat in a heap on the stairs.
I was too afraid to go into my room or into the lounge because he might see me through the windows.
I actually went into a bit of shick and cried for a minute.. I just felt so totally lost and confused. I felt like I had been invaded personally. I had shut this part of me off, dead, closed for business. I dont get any compliments anymore, I dont get guys wanting me. I dont date, I dont fuck. I dont even flirt.
The only guy I would want something anything remotely similar blew me off on Valentines day. OH and has no idea that I like him. or just ignores that fact either one.
I think its just the second one, which is by far worse. He is perceptive after all.
He leaves weird comments though, and I cant tell what he means, and it makes me feel uneasy. Im confused and I feel lost in limbo.
I did get out today, went to Sainsburys and avoided the red roses and mushy marketed crap, I felt like everybody could see the label above my head – lame loser… woman in her prime, mojoless and unloved. An embarrassment.
Humiliated on a daily basis, as women on all accounts are supposed to be sex plenty (as in its easy to get it) where as men are supposed to be sex sparce. But I am sparce of any romanticism or sex even though there doesnt seem anything wrong with me and I have a good life.. I am way better than some women.. but still single.
I then went for a solo walk in Leigh Woods, it was great until I got sick of all the people swarming it like diseased flies.. and the kids were screaming.. and I felt entirely out of place from the rest of humanity. So I got back in my car, went for a drive and then went home.
After I got home…
I was talking to my friend Nick later today, as he asked me to call him, which was nice but a little awkward as we never talk on the phone.. He had told me that I had lost my mojo.
Maybe I have.
I am mojoless.
Maybe I need a Mojito lol.
Oh gawd that was a lame dad joke.
What has happened to me, I used to be cool, I used to be sexual, I used to be confident, now I am shattered nothing.. desperately crushing and feeling like a fragile white swan.
When I used to be a seductress.
Maybe because this is the longest I’ve gone without a date, a kiss, or even a hug from an interested male party.. let alone compliments..
Please god, help me.
I am shrivelling up and dying.
The whole world is screaming love, and I am contemplating how to get off this planet as soon as possible. Love feels dead to me, I’ve been beaten down and I feel like there’s not enough embers to relight the fire.
So yeah… Happy Fucking Valentines day…