C’est fini.

C’est fini.

It’s over.

I can’t do this to myself anymore. It’s not right.

I’m not saying I’ll look elsewhere, because I won’t.. I don’t feel the urge anymore.

That was my last shot.

A tale of a girl, first kissed at 16 at her first party attendance.. the after prom party.

Ending with the Narcisssist who stole her dreams of marriage, children and a beautiful deep and functioning relationship with a man who loved her and that she loved in return.

It’s gone now.

Why live life from dream to dream and dread the day when dreaming ends to quote Moulin Rouge.

My alltime favourite film, a beautiful love story, magical and dramatic.. and the biggest act of masochism since Jesus died on the Cross to watch it tonight.

I’ll probably go to hell for that comment… but hey can it get any worse than the events of my life..

Probably.


I shall be Satine, disavowed with love songs, unable to fall in love. Because it will ruin her life.

And ultimately kill her.

“Throw our lives away for one happy day.”

No.

I have decided that this to-ing and fro-ing, zigging and zagging between does he like me or not is ridiculous.

It is damaging to my self esteem, and to our inter-relationship whatever form that seems to be now.

Enough is enough.

C’est Suffit.

I am burying my desire, my hopes, my dreams, and my love in a special box, a treasure chest and I am giving it to the gerbils to dig into a tunnel somewhere that gets lost into the Earth and reclaimed there.

It’s no use for me.

What would I do with love.

I seem to suit being alone.

I am no good at people.

My sister is the better one, I just cant get anybody to like me. I dont have a place here.

But seeing as Im stuck here until I stop breathing, Im making the decision to stop toturing myself.

I wont be a feminist, 40 year old singleton sleeping around..

Im going to devote myself to a cause, like a Nun or a Monk takes vows of abstinence, poverty and obedience. I too shall take vows of devotion, progression, and truth.

I dont need sex anymore.

I have dreams, fantasies, memories..

One day I wont be beautiful and young anymore and then I wont feel like Im wasting away, lost potential. Her story finished, no longer a Princess in the tower, she’ll be the crone in the woods. A Morag from The Wise Woman book by Philippa Gregory.

I failed.

Ultimately.

And that’s ok,

I had good innings.

I had some beautiful moments in those times.

All those people I met in my life.

All the laughter, time in the sun.

The men I loved.

I just know better in my 11 years of dating, than to invest in someone who doesn’t invest in you.

It’s funnny because I still find myself destroyed by the nightmrish tangent that seemed to happen in my last relationship.

Not because of how great it was because it was awful,

But I find myself at a loss because at least it was magic to exprience feeling like I had someone to see the depths of my heart.

YEs he treated me awfully, like property. But at least I was adored, admired.

He was abusive, a narc, but at least we had the most ludicrously fun moments Ive ever had in my life.

I dont know what I am doing

Im scared.

and I want to give up.

to quote moulin rouge later on in the film.. “why does myheart cry feelings I cant fight”.

I wish I was drunk right now.

and stoned.

i dont want to live life like this anymore

This is the hysterical crap I was telling G about. The full moon madness, the rage, the crying..

I cried at the sight of honeymeade being made earlier.. how fucking rational is that.

“I was a fool to beleive.

A fool to beleive

It all ends today

Yes it all ends today”

A sorry quote from Moulin rouge.. this film is breaking my heart.

if it werent for the continual fucking mess being kicked out of the cage and the continual scraping of their stupid nails against the cage plastic id have lost my self completely..

“we’re creatures of the underworld, we cant afford to love”.

yes thatsme

“On and on does anybody know what we ar elving for, another hestache, another failed romance.

“THE SHOW MUST GO ON”

“Outside the dawn is breaking on th stage that hodls our final destiny. Inside my heart is breaking, my make yp may be flaking, but my smile still stays on.”

” I’ll top the bill I’ll earn the kill I have to find the will to carry on with the show”.

The epitome of my life. And I’ll carry on. It is my ethos.

And so this wont hold me back, and Ill be grateful for whatever is thrown my way.

Im grateful for a beautiful friendship with someone who understands me more than anyone ive known so far.

im grateful for these bastard gerbils ruining my sanity with their scratching and kciking and biting.

Im only annoyed because im not in the mood for this tonght. I feel at my bottom.

I feel lost in a swirling sea of despair with no man as the rock to hold me up.

In fact everybody has been quiet today.

anyway.

Im still writing shit so time to stop and just live.

“thank you for curing me of my ridiculous obsession with love”

“the greatest thing you’ll ever lesrn is just to love and be loved in return”

Nebr knew I could feel like this it’s like I’ve never seen the sky beforewant to vanish inside your kiss. Every day I’m loving you more and morelisrne to my heart can you hear it sing.

seasons may change winter to spring bit I love you until my dying day

i love you till the end of time”

now i know why I watched this film tonight. The strength in the message. Don’t fucking give up. Nothing is pure and clean and straight forward. It’s always a mess. But we must filter out the shit, we are miners of happiness and joy. We carbs it from rocks of fear and misery.

Love.

Keep loving.

Keep fucking loving.

No matter what you say this show is ending out waym stand your ground fot freedom beauty truth and love.

My life experiences has left me mastering breaking into freedom (childhood), beauty(my youth, lust), truth (now) the period of mourning I’ve lived through in lockdown and soon to be … Love.

Amen.

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