I failed.

I am breaking my keto after an exhausting struggle.

I seem to not be loosing any weight according to the scales. Literally 4 kg and not a pound more…

I think its been nearly 3 months now.. Its just embarrassing.

I have not been eating badly.

I feel like Ive lost weight, my bras can be worn on the tighter knotches, my dress has been taken in..

I ate a whole 9 inch garlic bread pizza.

well i left one slice.

tonight i felt alone.

tongiht i felt cold.

tonight i was reminded of a oldbook i once wrote. tha book had so much pain and sorrow in its contents.

now it lies, wiaitng to be put away again in the vast library..

but tonigt it lies fresh.

i spoke to my old friend Rob from when i worked in the met and managed him.. he talks to me as if im still the old person i was.

I used to be so confident, attention seeking, seductive, but that just isnt me anymore. its been laid to rest. and whilst i miss being the muse, i realise i just want to be loved.

and I’m comfortable being overlooked, I’m comfortable with my beauty fading, I just want to be adored and protected.

the hole in my heart hurts again.. it was sewn back together, i dnt even understand whats going on.

i havnt thought about this stuff in a long time, its just old memories being shifted about a bit.

Today is my ovulation day, another wasted opportunity.

A long day of work, and another one tomorrow.

Nobody to come home too.

They robbed me of my childhood, and I fought to keep what I had, and Im thankful to have so much now. Its still not enough, I still am down to less than £30 for the rest of the month.

I need petrol, food, phone bill paid. thats about £100.

It’ll come from somewhere.

Just like my drive to continue..

hoping, striving, loving, praying and living.

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